New Year-Same Me?

You can’t escape your issues, no matter how hard you try. Two years ago on Christmas eve I had a major realization that I was way too insecure to be in a relationship with someone who failed to grasp my issues. I freaked out when he commented on other girls’ pictures or when he casually texted girls whose numbers he’d gotten the night before. I’d get this feeling in the pit of my stomach every single time I saw something which proved that maybe I wasn’t the only person he was interested in. But love is blind indeed and instead of building myself up I tore myself down. I’d pick the one characteristic I lacked that the other girl had and I’d use it as an excuse. Of course he’d want to flirt with her she’s so much more interesting and she is so much smarter. I suffocated myself with my own thoughts and anxiety over not being good enough. You can see why I felt like I had just been saved from drowning when a year later I got the courage to end the relationship. I spent months building myself up and telling myself I am wonderful. Until the next relationship hit and the same demons began to resurface. Sitting in my room on Christmas Eve this year I realized I haven’t changed much from the girl I was two years ago. I still let voices tell me that the other girl has better fashion sense, that the other girl is more artistic and more fascinating.

Fortunately, I also know now that I control these voices. I read a quote recently which has impacted me. “The most important relationship you will ever have is not with your spouse, your parents or your children. It’s with your thoughts. They are your most intimate companion.” I have always hated self help books and self help advice but I am at the point in my life when I’m finally realizing the validity of helping myself. Being told I’m good enough by others is not going to be enough if I can’t see it myself. When I have a bad day now I write down 3 things I like about myself. It’s tacky and embarrassing but surprisingly uplifting. I no longer pick things I have that other girls don’t. I only focus on myself and what I see when I look in the mirror. And when the ghost negative thoughts come creeping in I tell myself that I’m better than obsessing over some girl I’ve barely met and I divert my attention away.

I guess you can say my New Year’s Resolution is simple- To learn to love myself. And I hope you’re inspired to do the same.

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Self Empowerment

Growing up we’re told that arrogance is wrong so many times that our line between confidence and arrogance has blurred. When someone says we’re beautiful, we’re talented, we’re smart we smile timidly. I’m personally okay with admitting the beauty of others. I can find positive qualities in everyone but it seems myself. I feel uncomfortable telling myself I’m beautiful and smart and talented because society determines my value. It’s based on what everyone else thinks but I have felt minimal gratification from compliments. And besides being showered with kind words I still feel inadequate. My value isn’t solidified until I myself understand and appreciate it. I’m tired of telling myself other girls are more beautiful and interesting. I read a quote by Wiz khalifa “worrying is stupid it’s like holding an umbrella waiting for it to rain”. And I agree. Though one day I might not be hurt as much by being left for someone more interesting or pretty because I worried so much Im also tired of holding the umbrella waiting for that day. I want to be confident enough in myself to not worry nonstop about being good enough. I want to put down the umbrella and enjoy the sunshine of today.

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History of Nail Polish

Apparently nail polish was used all the way back 5000 years ago by the ancient Chinese when the ruling class( female and male) would paint their nails gold and silver to distinguish themselves from the general population. In Egypt those who were royalty wore vibrant colors while those of the general population wore more nuanced tones.
Nail polish became popular in the Western hemisphere during the Industrial Revolution when chemists began experimenting with cosmetics. It was actually popularized in France not the United Kingdom or US. Women would paint all of their nails except the lunar part. As far as I understand the trend was popularized during the Victorian era which explains why it became commonplace only for women to paint their nails. It was an arbitrarily established rule that it’s feminine to paint your nails so to this day men are wary of using anything to enhance their nails. Today men who refuse to paint their nails will not give a real reason but that it’s not socially acceptable. So, in my opinion we shouldn’t mock those who choose to stray from this norm since it has no logical backing!

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A piece of unwanted advice

When I was at a school conference a few years back this girl broke down and started to talk about her insecurities. One quote she shared was powerful and stays with me to this day: ‘If you treated your friends the way you treat yourself would they still be your friends?’ We’re often so caught up in helping uplift our friends and relatives that we neglect the most important person: us. I don’t know why it is seen as weird to talk yourself up. I think confident people are beautiful so as I have (willingly) lost two of my beat friends who didnt really contribute that much to picking me up I have vowed to treat myself as I’d treat my friends. When I’m doubting myself I’ll remember that anyone not smart enough to see I’m wonderful is not worth my time. From now on I’ll be selfish and take the advice I’d give other people. And I invite you to do the same.

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Why I don’t like to frat party

College is a wild place, full of hard choices. One of those for me has always been the inevitable question of integrity vs adrenaline. When I get bored on a Friday I always think that I should be out because what’s college if not a giant party? My otherwise quiet floor decided to one Friday go out and check out the party scene. First, ten of us along with about 60 other kids lined up on the sidewalk awaiting a ride. Then girls one by one began to try to flirt their way into a ride and boys began doing the bros favors in hope of getting to the party. We didnt really do any of that. Some guy noticed us and waved us up but after a mishap we were left without a ride and an in at the party. A girl from my floor noticed my dress and casually eyeing me said ‘We should have pushed you up front. If only your dress was opened up a little more we’d be there by now’. Absolutely startled I just laughed it up but began realizing how much I didn’t want to get into the party. Once I finally got into one it was fine: drinks dancing friends but the process itself is degrading. Girls dress down (seriously) as much as they can in hopes they’ll be noticed and allowed in. The frat bros on the other hand have all the power of choosing which ones are worthy of letting in (and hooking up with) and which ones are not. I have friends in frats and they are by far the sweetest guys I know but as institutions frats are harmful to girls everywhere & perpetuate the control of women though in a subtle way. I don’t want to have to flirt my way into a party or have my body get me in. Neither I or the other girls going to parties are going to entertain the frat bros. We’re going to have fun and ‘live it up’ or whatever. In state schools there is even instated RATIOS of women to men entering a party. So if you’re a guy you must have 4 girls with you to enter for example. As if being a guy makes you less valuable or fun and you don’t deserve to enter. You don’t bring anything to the party unless you’re a woman who can be hit on and objectified. The whole process is crazy. So I beg you next time you’re going out think a little and ask yourself just how badly do you want that free beer?

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