New Year-Same Me?

You can’t escape your issues, no matter how hard you try. Two years ago on Christmas eve I had a major realization that I was way too insecure to be in a relationship with someone who failed to grasp my issues. I freaked out when he commented on other girls’ pictures or when he casually texted girls whose numbers he’d gotten the night before. I’d get this feeling in the pit of my stomach every single time I saw something which proved that maybe I wasn’t the only person he was interested in. But love is blind indeed and instead of building myself up I tore myself down. I’d pick the one characteristic I lacked that the other girl had and I’d use it as an excuse. Of course he’d want to flirt with her she’s so much more interesting and she is so much smarter. I suffocated myself with my own thoughts and anxiety over not being good enough. You can see why I felt like I had just been saved from drowning when a year later I got the courage to end the relationship. I spent months building myself up and telling myself I am wonderful. Until the next relationship hit and the same demons began to resurface. Sitting in my room on Christmas Eve this year I realized I haven’t changed much from the girl I was two years ago. I still let voices tell me that the other girl has better fashion sense, that the other girl is more artistic and more fascinating.

Fortunately, I also know now that I control these voices. I read a quote recently which has impacted me. “The most important relationship you will ever have is not with your spouse, your parents or your children. It’s with your thoughts. They are your most intimate companion.” I have always hated self help books and self help advice but I am at the point in my life when I’m finally realizing the validity of helping myself. Being told I’m good enough by others is not going to be enough if I can’t see it myself. When I have a bad day now I write down 3 things I like about myself. It’s tacky and embarrassing but surprisingly uplifting. I no longer pick things I have that other girls don’t. I only focus on myself and what I see when I look in the mirror. And when the ghost negative thoughts come creeping in I tell myself that I’m better than obsessing over some girl I’ve barely met and I divert my attention away.

I guess you can say my New Year’s Resolution is simple- To learn to love myself. And I hope you’re inspired to do the same.

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Self Empowerment

Growing up we’re told that arrogance is wrong so many times that our line between confidence and arrogance has blurred. When someone says we’re beautiful, we’re talented, we’re smart we smile timidly. I’m personally okay with admitting the beauty of others. I can find positive qualities in everyone but it seems myself. I feel uncomfortable telling myself I’m beautiful and smart and talented because society determines my value. It’s based on what everyone else thinks but I have felt minimal gratification from compliments. And besides being showered with kind words I still feel inadequate. My value isn’t solidified until I myself understand and appreciate it. I’m tired of telling myself other girls are more beautiful and interesting. I read a quote by Wiz khalifa “worrying is stupid it’s like holding an umbrella waiting for it to rain”. And I agree. Though one day I might not be hurt as much by being left for someone more interesting or pretty because I worried so much Im also tired of holding the umbrella waiting for that day. I want to be confident enough in myself to not worry nonstop about being good enough. I want to put down the umbrella and enjoy the sunshine of today.

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Being the Khloe to my sister’s Kim

If you’ve ever been so inclined as to pay attention to the Kardashians even for a second you’d understand why i refer to myself as the Khloe of my family instead of the age old ‘ugly duckling’. My mother and sister, both blessed with light features, undoubtedly catch the eye of any stranger. A year ago while I still lived at home I hardly noticed just how gorgeous my sister was but as soon as I moved out BAM realization nation. I’d look at her Instagram and question how we even existed in the same species yet alone gene pool. A bit insecure (without a concrete explanation), I became even more so in the summer months I’ve spent around my sister & mother. During our trip to an exotic country where men quite literally gawked at them I felt embarrassed that I felt jealous and not outraged. As a feminist I should have been furious that anyone would objectify my beautiful relatives but instead all I kept thinking about was feeling invisible. Granted some of my paranoia and fears are fabricated I’m sure and to some I am just as worthy as attention as my sister is. But in a world that exalts light eyed and haired beauties it’s very hard to see my dark features as beautiful. It’s a daily struggle of learning to love being Khloe & appreciating the blessing that is Kim.

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